By a contributing editor to NACGMBLAA ( National Association of Circumcized Girly Man Boy Losers At Agudah)
As advertised in the Yated Ne’eman this year’s convention will focus on major issues that are pressing in Klal Yisroel regarding our children. We have publicized the questions that will be addressed, but have not yet given any kind of glimpse at the answers that our Gedolim have “divined”. The following are the questions advertised, with a sneak peek at the solutions that the convention will provide us, based on inside knowledge from someone who was at the last meeting of the Moetzes:
1. How can parents and mechanchim work together to help our youth confront unprecedented challenges?
a) Challenge number one: Internet, cell phones, text messages, CDs, DVDs and MBDs. These are horrors that our parents never had to face. Agudas Yisroel is proud to announce a new campaign: Rabbi Gedalia Weinberger, Shli”ta and Rabbi Abe Biderman, Shli”ta have teamed up under the leadership of Moreinu Harav Avraham Chaim Levine, Shl”ita to invest new resources into providing schools and homes with metal detectors to keep out these challenging infiltrations of modern technology.
b) Another big challenge that parents and mechanchim face is the continued struggle to silence the children who claim they are molested. Those who come up with the exaggerated “tawdry tales” of being sexually abused without even at least being penetrated! In the words of Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz, Shli”ta of Aguda’s Project YES: “Lma’an Hashem!” We have warned them that they won’t get shidduchim, we warned their parents that all their other children will be thrown out of yeshivas, and we have told them that they are breaking the issur of mesirah, the worst sin of all, if they go to the cops. But still there are those cowardly and weak children who cannot withstand the challenge of keeping their mouths shut and have fallen victim to the temptation to cry out for help. Moreinu Harav Matisyahu Salmon, Shli”ta and Moreinu Harav Malkiel Kotler, Shli”ta will explain to us how their community in Lakewood even had a family’s house burned down for daring to talk about their son who died after being molested, just to “send them a message,” and how they ran a family out of town to Detroit for daring to go to the police. But it is not enough. We must use the same devious methods as the molesters themselves to “groom” the families into trusting us. Moreinu Harav Shmuel Kaminetsky, Shli”ta will explain how he has personally covered up for Yudi Kolko, Moshe Eisemann, Chaim Abrahamson, Shmuel Levitt, Yossef Ahron Kolko and many, many others, while telling victims that they have a mitzvah to reveal their molesters. This trick lets us know who the loudmouths are so they too can be run out of town.
c) The biggest challenge is really for us, the parents and mechanchim. Mishpacha Magazine recently described the newest problem we face: Kids who look the part of good yeshiva boys and bais yaakov girls, but who use drugs, go on the Internet on Shabbos and ignore halacha totally. This is sooooo confusing. We yearn for the days of old, when the off-the-derech boy would grow his hair long, and the off-the-derech girls would dress not tznius, and they would both get tattoos and body piercings. How are we supposed to know which kids to disown? We have no choice but to utilize crime prevention techniques, like giving our children polygraphs and forensic evaluations, to screen out the dangerous ones and protect the innocent.
2. How can we ensure the fiscal viability of our embattled yeshivos?
Some may think that this question is kefirah because only Hashem can make such assurances. Nonsense. It is up to our Gedolim, Shli”ta to divine His will and to keep our sinking enterprise alive by any means necessary. So:
a) We will hear from Nat Lewin, Shli”ta and Pinny Lipshutz, Shli”ta about gathering gantz Klal Yisroel together to defend a white collar criminal, in order to show the Feds that despite the setback of Moreinu the Spinker Rebbe, Shli”ta, they cannot stop us from doing what we need to do to support our family businesses – the yeshivas. We will defend even violent criminals like convicted cop-killer Martin Grossman Z”TL for the same reason. If the government were to think we are weak, they could come after our yeshivas and put an end to money laundering, tax evasion and fraudulent government grants. This, we cannot afford.
b) It’s the tuition stupid! We must sock it to the parents continuing to instruct them to have more children than they can afford so we can hit them up for more tuition and line our pockets with their hard earned money.
c) For those who are getting tired of supporting yeshivos, Agudah has decided to offer an incentive that no self-respecting follower of Daas Torah could refuse. For every financial supporter of our yeshivas we will now have personalized letters of guarantee from the Gedolim of Eretz Yisroel that they will win the lottery, that their children will also win the lottery, and that they will do shidduchim with other people who will also win the lottery.
3. Is educational elitism “pushing” some of our children through the cracks?
The short answer is yes, it is. B”H our yeshivas and bais yaakovs have inculcated an attitude of disdain for anyone who is in any way religiously inferior, and by promoting a kollel lifestyle that cannot possibly work for most people, and educational standards that few can even think about achieving. But we can do better. There are still “undesirable” kids left in our schools. There are high school bais yaakov girls who are willing to marry a so called “working boy”. B’avonoseinu Harabbim, there are schools in Lakewood "ir hakodesh" that have started introducing secular education on the high school level for the purpose of creating adults who can function in the so-called “real world,” not having to resort to a life of dependence on government programs and “genaivishe shtick.” This is unacceptable. Moreinu Harav Ahron Feldman, Shli”ta will inspire the olam with his brilliant analysis of how the chinuch in Eretz Yisroel which does not allow such “bittul zman” must be instituted here, if we are to survive. Our schools must “push” ALL "deviant" children through the cracks so we can succeed in our mission as an Am Hatorah led by Daas Torah divined by Gedolei Torah, and financed by people who are Machshiv Torah.
4. How can we better help our youth forge a meaningful connection with their Yiddishkeit?
First of all, just because some Baalei Teshuvah have started using this term “meaningful” when for thousands of years we used to wish each other simply an “easy fast” before Yom Kippur, does not in any way mean that this concept is a kosher one. In fact, it is quite “New Age,” and Shlomo Carlebachy. “Meaningfulness” is not an authentic Daas Torah word or expression. Rabbi Avi Shafran, Shli”ta will lecture on the dangers of allowing children to question what they are taught, to think critically, or to, chas v’shalom, express even the slightest amount of individuality, and why we must brainwash them into conforming into mindless robots. Rabbi Chaim Dovid Zweibel, Shli”ta will address the radical departure from our Mesorah “presumptuously promoted” in books like Rabbi Slifkin’s, and “The Making of a Gadol”. A panel discussion about finding the true meaning of Yiddishkeit for Jewish girls and women will be co-chaired by Rabbi Leib Tropper, Shli”ta and Rabbi Mordechai Tendler, Shli”ta.
5. Are we doing enough to protect our children from outside influences and dangerous people?
This is complicated. Some think that by dangerous people we mean people like our very own Moreinu Harav Ahron Shechter, Shli”ta, who tells parents to send their “bad” kids to abusive “boot camps” in Jamaica, Moreinu Harav Moshe Eisemann, Shli”ta, who enjoys massaging the behinds of young bochurim, and Moreinu Harav Lipa Margulies, Shli”ta who allows predator pedophiles access to children in the classrooms of his yeshiva. But no, these are the “good guys!”
We are referring to the real dangerous individuals. We have already banned Lipa Shmeltzer, because his concerts can lead to mixed seating, mixed dancing and eventually getting married and sending your kids to modern orthodox schools, rachmana litzlan. But we need to do more to protect our kids from bloggers like UOJ, and child advocates like Rabbi Nochum Rosenberg and Dr. Asher Lipner and Mark Mayer Appel who fill their heads with ideas that are very, very dangerous for us, because they show them how hypocritical and immoral we are. And to this we must regretfully say that the answer is no, we are not doing enough. With Hashem’s help, we “outed” UOJ, really showing him who is boss, and Moreinu the Novominsker Rebbe, Shli”ta has publicly denounced the advocates. But there is much more to be done to protect our children from these people who are so dangerous to the Agudah. On a scale of 1 to 10, we are only at a one, or at most, a one and a half.
In addition to the important message included in these presentations, we will also, I”YH, be showing via a live video hook-up a special presentation from Eretz Yisroel. Rabbi Dr. Avraham Mondrowitz, Shli”ta will give a drasha, on how best to give love to children. We will also feature at the convention Rabbi Yudi Kolko, Shli”ta on how to get the most out of the rebbe - talmid relationship, and Rabbi Weingarten, Shli”ta another former rebbe at Yeshiva Torah Temima, on how fathers can instill real kibbud av in your daughters and get them to fulfill all of your earthly desires. Moreinu Harav Reuvain (EJF) Feinstein, Shli”ta will introduce his nephews, Rabbi Ahron and Mordecai Tendler Shli”ta, who will speak on “Chinuch Habanos: Preparing teen-age girls for marriage – a hands-on approach.” The Tendlers will introduce their uncle Rabbi Sholom Tendler, Vice President of the RCC of California - "When Sleeping With The Women You Give Counsel To - Actually Helps Their Marriage"! He will demonstrate via videos the technique that he uses, and the various mitzvas involved! A video you do not want to miss!
Finally, we want to remind you of our catchy theme for our convention: “For the sake of our precious vulnerable youth, our beautiful and sweet children, our seductive Lolitas, our innocent young boys... Don't Ask Don't Tell!